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  #91  
Old 17-06-2012, 8:19 AM
Cjxiang Cjxiang is offline
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A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog

Was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several

Seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man

And said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her

Seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws

On the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the

Police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a

Little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,

Jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and

Couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.' =))
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  #92  
Old 19-06-2012, 8:42 AM
ntastle ntastle is offline
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Two women from england moved to America. They decided that since it was a traditional American food they would try there first hot dog.They were talking about how mean it was to kill a helpless dog for food. So they went to a hot dog stand and bought the hot dogs. They found a park bench to sit on and eat there dogs. The first one opens hers and turns bright pink...
and says.....
"what part did you get?"
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  #93  
Old 20-06-2012, 5:27 AM
burgesschester burgesschester is offline
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these two guys walk across a field but soon get stopped by the owner. the owner is mad cuz he doesnt like anybody walking in his field. anyway he tells the two men that unless they dont do what he tells them to he will shoot their heads off. so the owner lets them sleep in his barn for one day. late that night when they two men were sleeping the owner came and woke both of them up and told them to go out in the field and pick out any fruit or vegetable of their choice. so the two men obeyed and went. one of the men came back with a melon then the owner told him to bend over and shove it up his ass. the the man started laughing and the owner was asking why is he laughing at a moment like this then the guy said "because my friend out there is picking a watermelon"
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  #94  
Old 21-06-2012, 8:44 AM
abatedakes abatedakes is offline
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Three kids were walking down a dirt path in the forest. One of
the kids sees Bill Clinton drowing. The three boys save Bill
Clinton. Bill Clinton is so pleased that they saved his life he
decided to give each one of them a request. The first boy said,
"Chicks, lots of hot chicks." The second boy said, "Candy, lots
of candy." And the third boy said, "A coffin next to Grants
tomb." Bill Clinton asked why he wanted a coffin next to Grant's
tomb, and the boy said, "When my dad finds out that I saved your
life he is going to kill me."
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  #95  
Old 22-06-2012, 8:47 AM
algernonbuck algernonbuck is offline
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Bush was in Afghanistan on a visit, talking to Osama Bin Laden.
Osama would ask Bush questions, and when Bush gave a response
Bin Laden didn't like, he pressed a button, and a giant boxing
glove would hit Bush in the face.
When Osama came to America, he and Bush were talking. When Osama
said something Bush didn't like, he pressed a button, and
nothing happened. Osama kept answering questions, and Bush kept
pressing the button, but nothing happened.
When the day was over Osama said "When we get to Afghanistan,
i'll show you how we really do things."
Then Bush responds with a smile on his face "What Afghanistan?"
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  #96  
Old 25-06-2012, 5:20 AM
Allister Allister is offline
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Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground." So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?"The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon 100 feet up in the air." George turns to Harry and says, "that man is a lawyer." "How can you tell?", inquires Harry. George answers, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."
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  #97  
Old 27-06-2012, 7:25 AM
dagnyjbarber dagnyjbarber is offline
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really funny..must say
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  #98  
Old 29-06-2012, 9:54 AM
DavidSibbald DavidSibbald is offline
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A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
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  #99  
Old 11-07-2012, 9:11 AM
dagnyjbarber dagnyjbarber is offline
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quite interesting post
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  #100  
Old 11-07-2012, 9:16 AM
EthanJoushu EthanJoushu is offline
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All the jokes are so funny..
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  #101  
Old 15-07-2012, 1:23 PM
jonathanross jonathanross is offline
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A woman went for fishing.
She enjoyed boating & got tired.

She sat, kept her things & started reading a book.

Policeman came, said: Mam u r in "NO" fishing Zone.

She said: "I am reading not fishing."

Policeman said:
"But u have all equipment & u might start anytime."

Woman shouted: "Im not fishing here. Now u r sexually harrassing me."

Policeman said: "I am not doing anything!"

She smiled: "You have all equipment & u might start anytime!" =))
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  #102  
Old 22-10-2012, 5:44 AM
Kerryz Kerryz is offline
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Bill Gates Died

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royce's."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

"Yes, but we use Windows till this date," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once.
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  #103  
Old 31-10-2012, 8:35 AM
rebbica jackson's Avatar
rebbica jackson rebbica jackson is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by danielaustin View Post
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"

According to me This should be Listed in the Top position not only into the humor category but even for the Best Reply to the Rude Behavior !
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  #104  
Old 15-03-2013, 5:54 AM
rissland rissland is offline
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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

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  #105  
Old 15-03-2013, 1:16 PM
tedinves tedinves is offline
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A mathematician is flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with AirTransat. The scheduled flying time is nine hours.
Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "Don't worry - we're safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine."
A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "But don't worry - we're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours."
Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off. But the pilot reassures the passengers: "Don't worry - even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt."
The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If the last engine breaks down, too, then we'll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!"

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